Fatherhood is not an exact science. By
that I mean there is no training which would prepare a man for
fatherhood. Most men might acknowledge the fun part of being a father
was sharing in the conception—because men are like that. Everything
after can be terrorizing. You can pay for a personal trainer, a golf
coach, a martial arts instructor, but you are on your own as a new
father. A pregnant wife is a wonder to behold, but living with during
the 9 months of gestation not so much. Moods, craving, and tears.
Many men would admit in private they
were not prepared for a pregnant wife followed by a baby or two or
three. Moods, craving, and worst of all tears. Men can run a fortune
500 company, strategize an aggressive offense again gorilla soldiers,
disassemble and reassemble a complex machine, but freeze when given a
crying child. Think “deer in headlights.”
There are some lessons I learned
raising three boys. Generally though, the solutions came well after
the event. In reflection it was like “oh, I should have said/done
this!” Now what I have learned looking back is that a child enters
the world as the undisputed master of his or her universe. I did not
know that. I did not understand that. No one told me it would be this
way. I did not understand this tiny child would shift the balance of
power in my world in ways nothing or no one else could. It took a
while to figure out that fundamental lesson even though there were
reoccurring teachable moments throughout the day. For many dads, we
were clueless. We thought we could just set aside a couple of minutes
because of the new child in the house, perhaps stop by the crib or
bed and make funny noises and talk to our newest boarder. How stupid
was that?
First, it was the crying which had the
force of a King's royal authority. “Stop whatever lesser important
thing you are doing and come here!!” The bellowing cry, often with
tears, made many a new father panic and attempt to do anything to get
them to stop crying. Men have quaked with fear and made ridiculous
promises in an attempt to get them to stop crying. “I will buy you
a new car when you are 16 if you will just stop crying.” You want
to go to Harvard—not a problem, just stop crying. Because, men
don't do well with crying. Well except when the team loses an
important game. But it is manly to cry then, but a wife, a child
shedding tears is the most unnerving horror many men will ever see.
And then the man starts down his check list because that is what men
do. We have check lists. We make lists and fix things. So, what is
not working here? Diaper need changing? Nope baby dry. You hungry?
Nope just fed. What is the problem? What am I supposed to do with
another life form that won't tell me what is wrong? This lesson is
critically important. You no longer have a say regarding what your
day will look like. You no longer have autonomy over your check list.
You have gone from a master of your domain to a servant of this
tyrant child. Yep, that was the first lesson.
I also learned that somehow, the newest
member of the household came into the world smarter than me. I can't
explain it, because, well, I was supposed to be an adult who could be
trusted with great responsibilities. I could think. I could think
through a problem. I could work hard enough to provide for the
family. Somehow that was not enough. So, at a certain point, I began
to learn the wisdom of saying, “Stop that/ pause that/ quit talking
and I will get back to you in a few moments. Then I would scamper out
of the situation like a squirrel trying to escape a predator. Then I
would think—quickly but perhaps no quickly enough. By the time I
got back, the situation had changed so my solution was obsolete. It's
just that way.
I also learned this new life was
subversive and perhaps that was the greatest exercise of power, after
the child's mother found her way into the deepest parts of my heart
and world. Without any apparent effort, the child would bore into my
heart and capture it in ways I did not dream possible. The smile of
recognition, the giggle when we played silly simple games. Yep, I was
powerless to stop it.
I also learned as my child grew I
needed to learn new or different ways of leading and loving this
child. I came from a good family and a father who showed his love by
his tireless work to provide for our family. Dad didn't talk much as
I recall. I knew he was there, I knew he cared deeply about me, but I
can't remember us talking much. I don't think his dad talked much to
him. So, I asked myself if I wanted to change that in raising my
child. I did, because talking says so much to a child. It tells the
child, “I see you. I extend my heart to you because you are
connected and important to me. It says nothing else is really more
important right now than your question, your comment, your need. I
hoped it said, Like I see you and love you, Your heavenly Father sees
and loves you so much more.” That time and spoken word or words
were not always there as perhaps they should have been.
However the inexactness of the science,
my sons have done well and moved on to marry and have families of
cherished children. They have entered into this inexact science just
as their father did. It was after they had married, we brought
another son into our family both our home and extended family. Again,
because of what happened before in his life, my efforts to move
fatherhood a little more down the road has been a stretch. However, I
know, this son deserves to be loved, to be kept safe, and to have
some hope of a positive future.
Happy Fathers Day to all the men who
have waded into this inexact science and become a part of the
brotherhood of fathers. You are more important to your child than you
will ever know.
Wash your hands, please wear your
mask, mind the gap and be kind.
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